An Average Rhyme for Bedtime.

Well, I finished my neuro-psych test yesterday and Michelle my psychologist told me I was officially 'average', which of course worried me greatly, so as soon as I got home I wrote a Christmas Rhyme to see what being average was like. I include it here largely for the Verkys family, and also for Erica who has started reading them. I do apologise for the drug references. The poem is quite mental, and I apologise fo that as well. The photos are not mine (except for the ones of the Queen which I took during one of our regular minibreaks) and I will take down any if they belong to you and you don't want them here. Sid Bratz, whom you see below with a cat flying over his head, is very handsome and should not take offence. 

CATNIP

Catnip's a herb

With an odd reputation

For driving cats mad

With the least provocation.

The cat needn't eat

Or ingest it at all

The smell is enough

To drive cats up the wall.

They love it, and no one

Is very sure why

Since cats like so few things

We've learned by and by.

There once was a botanist

Known as Sid Bratz,

A good man was he

With five lovely cats.

A test Sid decided

One day on a whim

To breed the most

Powerful catnip, poor him!

With various clippings

And plenty of work

He strengthened his catnip -

His cats went berserk.

His first cat was Bingle

She sniffed at a leaf,

Then ran off to steal

The Crown Jewels, little thief!

The cat took the crown

And the sceptre as well,

And went to the houses

Where commoners dwell.

On sighting the diamonds

Held high by the beast

The commoners thought him

A marquis at least.

They gave him some cream

And fish by the batch

And brought him their very best

Armchairs to scratch.

The state of emergency

Stopped then and there!

The Queen stepped in swiftly

To stop the affair.

'Bad kitty!' she yelled

With extraordinary force,

'I'll punish you swiftly

And show no remorse.'

'I'll bundle you into

A suitable parcel

Than boot you three times

Over old Windsor Castle.'

(Her Majesty thought it

Would serve at the time

As a warning to cats

Against turning to crime.)

It might seem a punishment

Vicious and cruel,

But Binkie had stolen

The Queen's favourite jewel.

A truly remarkable

Brooch made of rubies

Her grandma once wore

Twixt her big royal boobies.

Meanwhile, Sid's cat Ginger

Took barely a sniff

It burst into ballet

Then fainted, quite stiff.

Afraid that he'd made

A most dreadful mistake

Sid poked at wee Ginger,

The cat danced Swan Lake!

It wouldn't stop dancing

So Sid put on tights

And joined it in many

Balletic delights.

Though Sid was exhausted

The cat kicked its feet

And after Swan Lake

Came The Nutcracker Suite.

It gate-crashed a

Royal variety show

And leapt on the Queen

Who was in the front row!

With Ginger arrested

For such a display

Young Sid hid his catnip plant

Far, far away.

But not far enough!

For a light summer breeze

Blew atoms of catnip

To Sid's place with ease.

His three cats remaining

Went totally mental

Performing kung fu

Where they once had been gentle.

The little cat ninjas

Went roaming all night

In search of the catnip,

The cause of their plight.

They stopped a policeman

A helpful young sport

They asked the location

Of that which they sought.

But cats don't speak English,

They just don't know how

And said to the officer

'Meow meow meow meow?'

On getting no answer,

The cats became jumpy

They clawed at his pants

To reveal bare legs lumpy

'Me-owww?' they demanded.

And threatened,'Me-owww!'

'I fear I don't follow,'

He said with a bow.

And that's when they got him!

A kung-fu attack

Till half of his coat

Was removed from his back.

With most of his uniform

Slit up a treat

The officer thought it

Was best to retreat.

They found it at last

In the Queen's Gardens, Kew

(Where Sid had concealed it,

Not quite out of view.)

The pussycats shivered

And quivered with joy

Then all of Kew Gardens

Began to destroy.

The greenhouse was gone

In a minute or less

The indoor cactarium

Squashed to a mess

As cat after cat

With its paws flailing fast

Did kung fu gymnastics

How long would it last?

'Three more cats to punish,'

The Queen said, 'Oh dear!

We're having a pussycat

Crime wave,  I fear.

Of course, Sid felt bad

When he learned of his error -

His cats would be punished

For causing such terror.

He ran to the Palace

As fast as he could:

'Your majesty, pardon these cats,

If you would!'

'They've buggered my garden!'

The Queen said, 'No way!

I'll kick off your bum

If you don't go away.'

Sid's five little kitties

Were locked in a cell

The ninjas, the thief

And the dancer as well.

They looked at their master

With big sorry eyes

And hoped that the Queen

Would relent at Sid's cries.

He bowed and he scraped

'This crime's due to me

I've grown some powerful

Catnip you see.'

The Queen smelt the herbs

And she turned up her nose.

'You're certain your cats

Were effected by those?'

'I think you are lying,

So please prove to me

How potent a herb

From a garden can be.

Well, Sid had predicted

The Queen's disbelief

And had on his person

A cannabis leaf.

Now, marijuana

As some of you know

Is something quite naughty

That criminals grow.

But Sid was no criminal,

Certainly not!

The stuff that he had

Was medicinal pot.

A doctor had told him

The law was quite plain

The drug was allowed

If prescribed to stop pain.

And Sid had arthritis,

That hurt him, it's true

So the doc sold the drug

And a little pipe too.

'This herb's from a garden,'

Said Sid, 'And I wager

The tiniest scent

Will affect your behaviour'

'Oh, give me that nonsense!'

The Queen gave a swipe.

Obligingly, Sid put some

Pot in the pipe.

The Queen took a puff

And she fell off her chair

Then pulled down some lovely bright

Curtains to wear.

'One feels rather groovy'

Her Majesty said

And balanced a big chandelier

On her head

She strutted around

As the Prince wandered in.

'Oh dear!' he said, 'Somebody's

Been at the gin.'

She cried, 'Not a drop!

Beware of such treasons!'

I've just smoked some pot

For medicinal reasons.'

The Queen's self-defence

Sounded perfectly smart

Until with her teeth

She tore pillows apart.

'Now bring me some jam!'

Came her booming request

A handmaiden brought her

The type she liked best.

The Queen stuck her finger

Straight into the jam

'I’m Queen of the whole bloody world,

Yes I am.'

She swallowed the jam

In a minute or two.

'Oh dear!' said the Prince

What a strange thing to do.'

But what followed after

Was stranger by far

She drove round the room

In a little golf car.

The cats sat there watching,

Their eyes open wide

Had Queenie gone mental?

They couldn't decide

The Queen drove around,

With jam on her face

She crashed into sculptures

And trashed the whole place.

At last she calmed down

As the drug wore away,

'I think,' said the queen,

'We have proved on this day.

'There are certain herbs

That can alter your mood

From sweet to insane

From respectful to rude.

'These cats aren't to blame

For the things that they did

'The catnip's what did it.

Your fault, Master Sid!'

'Your Majesty,' Sid was

Contrite as could be

'I did it for science

Not tomfoolery.'

'Relax!' said the Queen,

'Stay calm, if you will.

And added for clarity,

'Chill, baby chill.'

'I will not behead you

Or hang you from bridges

Those punishments frankly

Are far too religious.

But I shall forgive you

So nobody grieves

Just give me some more of

Those cannabis leaves.

The deal was done

And the kitties set free

To live blameless lives

With Sid Bratz, O.B.E.

The point of this verse

Is to teach and instruct

And not to tell tales

About wicked conduct

So let me conclude

With a human dimension

That one can brew tea

Made from catnip suspension.

It won't make you silly

Or dance all about

Or naughty rude limericks

Lustily shout.

Your health may be bettered

Consuming a brew

Of catnip, by order

Of Queen You-Know-Who.

And if you'll allow me

A crudeness, while parting

The potion can also

Prevent you from farting.