Friday, December 2, 2011

Verses for the Littlies at Christmas

A TRUE VICTORIAN CHRISTMAS.
Here are some festive rhymes I put together with a bit of pictorial help from project Gutenberg and Oskar Pletsch. These are mainly for the Verkys Family.
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The Smithy


Here we see the Smithy

Tending to our horse

He hammers shoes into his hoofs

It doesn't hurt, of course

At least, that's what the Smithy says

But do you think it's true?

If I banged nails in Smithy's foot

I think he'd curse, don't you?
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Wake up, Baby!



'Baby will not rise from bed

Although it's twelve o'clock.

However will we wake her up?

Perhaps a big loud shock?

We'll buy a giant gas balloon

And burst it near her head

The noise is bound to waken her

And get her out of bed.



(Or tie it to her arm we may

And then she’ll simply float away.)

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A Pretty Scene

What a pretty country scene!
Our girls are fast asleep
They do not see the stinging ants
As next to them they creep.
But when the girls wake up at last
They'll itch from head to foot
And in a public hospital
They'll certainly be put.

(A girl who dozes in the wild
On anthills is a stupid child.)
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Morning Housework

We are doing housework

Though the sun has barely risen

There is so much work to do

Now Mother's gone to prison

And what is it that Mother did

To leave us with these chores?

She stole the items in our house

From ten department stores.
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Naughty Doggy

Doggy ate my doll,
I left her here today
But I returned and quickly learned
He'd chewed her half away.
But here is what concerns me most,
I left my brother too
And now it seems he's disappeared
I don’t know where, do you?
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The Bakery

As bakers toiled at their trade
A little girl called Adelaide
Kept standing rudely in the way
'I'll move,' she told them, 'if you pay.'
The bakers weren't concerned the least
By such an irritating beast
A dozen buns they quickly made
Containing bits of Adelaide

Her daily order Mother placed:
'These buns have a revolting taste!'
She said and, 'Goodness gracious me!
I swear that one just winked at me.'
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Laura's Flowers

Laura's picked a bunch of flowers
Not as sweet as you might think
Half of them are deadly poison
And the others really stink.
Laura plans to brew a potion
Drink it down and you will cough
Then you'll sneeze and somersault
Till at last your head falls off.

(Drink her potion, green with foam -
You'll have to kick your head back home.)
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Watching the Moon

Watching the moon can send you mad
Or that's what people say
Our Julie gazes every night
She cannot look away
And yet, we think her mind is clear
Although she ate a car last year
And fell in love with half a pound
Of budgie poo she carries round.
The reason that she so behaves?
Why, God has told her to, she raves
(It's good to know, though quite unruly
There is nothing wrong with Julie.)


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Bad Brother

'I hate my brother! Can't you see

The way he tears and scratches me?'

But Ma says, 'Darling, do not fuss

He's trying to make friends with us.

He doesn't mean you to offend

He simply wants to be your friend.'

'Now I understand,' I state

'The way that babes communicate

I'll push his chair until it falls

Then drag him swiftly up the halls

And when I've finished doing that

I'll dong him with a cricket bat

When that is done, he'll comprehend

I simply want to be his friend.'
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Playing with Dolls
How we hate to play with dolls
But Nanny says we must
We told her,' Let's play football!'
And she eyed us with disgust
'That's not a game for little girls!
'Wax dolls are all you've got.'
I'd like to melt them down and make
Some candles from the lot

And when the candles are alight
We'll burn down Nanny's house tonight
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 The Bird

A bird flew in the window
And perched upon a chair
And wasn't baby pleased to see
That birdie sitting there!
The bird flew out the window
And baby cried so hard
That Mother picked the baby up
And threw it in the yard.
'This proves,' said Ma, 'that babes don't fly
As I will teach you by and by. '



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The Water Pump

Betty pumped the water pump
While Jill looked up the spout
'Stand aside, now,' Betty warned.
'The water might gush out.'
But Jill refused to move at all
And here's the ghastly proof:
The water gushed, her head got mushed
And landed on the roof.

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At The Pharmacy



We are at the pharmacy

And Tommy's found a pot

I don't know what is in it

But he's eating quite a lot

The chemist sees what Tommy does

And angrily he speaks,

'That's diarrhoea medicine,

And you'll be clogged for weeks.'

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Grandma's basket



'What did Grandma buy for us?'

Young Sue was very keen to know.

'She's only just returned from France.'

'l'll take a little peek,' said Joe.

The basket tipped and down there rained

A pile of foreign souvenirs

And little Suzy ran away
With Eiffel Towers in her ears. 
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Learning to Walk

Mama's teaching Babe to walk
She says 'How smart you are!'
Unfortunately, she doesn't see
That door that stands ajar.
A breeze blows up, the door slams shut
And flattens them completely
We use them for a carpet now
They fit the hall quite neatly
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What's in the Cupboard?

What's in the cupboard do you think?
Is there something nice to drink?
Some biscuits or banana cake?
Or other things that we could take?

Instead of cakes I sadly fear
There may be several rats in here
And that's the reason, I suppose
This rat-trap's snapped upon my nose.

Behind the door, Ma smiles with glee
D'you think she set that trap for me?
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 Helping Ma to Cook

Betty's helping Ma to cook,
Mixing bowl upon the chair,
Though she doesn't understand
It's dangerous to leave it there.
Later in the afternoon,
Ma sits down, and feels quite weird
When she bounces up again,
The spoon's completely disappeared

The doctor, when he takes a look
Says, 'Madam, that's no way to cook.'

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Ellen's Atlas

Ellen reads her atlas
Looking quite contented
Naughty George has drawn in it
Some countries he's invented
But Ellen hasn't travelled much
And doesn't understand
There's no such country in the world
As Booby-Dooby Land.
But she would like to travel there
And take the Booby-Dooby air
According to what George has writ
The capital is Poo-Bum-Tit.

(Teenage boys are frequently
Too rude for female company.)
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Bathtime



Bathtime in our household is

The time I like the least

Baby's first, she laughs and splashes -

Noisy little beast

And then it's my turn, dearie me,

I wish we'd change the water,

For baby often leaves behind

Some things she shouldn't oughta.
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The Wager



Jim has bravely climbed a wall

The girls that watch him hoped he'd fall

The reason for such mean intent?

They made a deal before he went

To risk his neck, they promised Jim

That they would show their pants to him

But now of course they will not do

The dreadful thing they promised to

And Jim has learned that deals like these

Are full of technicalities.

Be certain that you're reimbursed

Make sure they show their undies first.
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Starting School

Today's the day that I start school
I'll hate it, I am certain,
But Grandma says I have to go
(That's her, behind the curtain.)
She never went to school at all
And I'm afraid it's true
She's thicker than a lump of wood
And can't add two plus two.

She dyes her hair a horrid mauve,
She sits for hours on the stove.
And proves that oft-repeated phrase:
'She wouldn't know if her bum's ablaze.'
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 Emma's Odd Hair
Emma never brushed her hair
She grew it wild instead
People thought that Emma wore
A gorse-bush on her head
When sister Sue brushed Emma's hair
She found to her distress
A gang of pirates hiding
And the Monster of Loch Ness.
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The Injured Boy

'What a lovely morning!'
That is all I said
So why did Mrs Higgin-bottom.
Bash me round the head?
It it 'cause I mispronounced
Her stupid-sounding name?
But surely Mrs Higgin-bum
Is pretty much the same?
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'Who's a pretty parrot, then?

Upon my little perch I sit

And say the words that I've been taught

But people seem annoyed by it.

Indeed, whenever neighbours come

They hate it when I scream out 'Bum!'

Or 'Toilet Seat!' and 'Sit-upon!'

The visitors are swiftly gone

But wait a moment, now I see

The boy who taught the words to me

He's being smacked, the wretched lad,

Those words he taught me must be bad

So, I shall scold the little mite,

'Hey Farty-pants, it serves you right!'
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Two Little Girls

'Don't we both look innocent?
Two small girls at play
You wouldn't know to look at us
We robbed a bank today
Policemen will not question us
For no one ever guesses
That each of us has double-barrelled
Shotguns up our dresses.
And if you dare the cops to tell
We'll come and blast your house to hell
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A Prayer



God bless all children,

We heartily pray

And don't let appalling things

Ruin their day

Like falling down mountains

Or drowning in rapids

Or standing in front of

Machines that throw acids

Or catching pneumonia

Or plague, or the flu

Or falling in tanks

Full of buffalo poo

Save them from mishaps

While hopping and scotching

And keep them from danger
Unless we are watching.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE! 

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3 comments:

dverkys said...

Thank you Doug they were wonderful, just like Doug of old :) Merry Christmas mate xo from us all.

Dmetri Kakmi said...

Doug, these are very funny. They put me in mind of that wonderful book we did years ago: Spiky, Spunky, My Pet Monkey. What fun that was!

DougMacLeod said...

Spiky Spunky, My Pet Monkey was grat fun to do, though I think Craig Smith had a difficult time with the art department. A shame, as he's one of the very best illustrators in the country. When I'm not stealing pictures from Project Gutenberg, I always ask for him.