CATNIP
Catnip's a herb
With an odd reputation
For driving cats mad
With the least provocation.
The cat needn't eat
Or ingest it at all
The smell is enough
To drive cats up the wall.
They love it, and no one
Is very sure why
Since cats like so few things
We've learned by and by.
There once was a botanist
Known as Sid Bratz,
A good man was he
With five lovely cats.
A test Sid decided
One day on a whim
To breed the most
Powerful catnip, poor him!
With various clippings
And plenty of work
He strengthened his catnip -
His cats went berserk.
His first cat was Bingle
She sniffed at a leaf,
Then ran off to steal
The Crown Jewels, little thief!
The cat took the crown
And the sceptre as well,
And went to the houses
Where commoners dwell.
On sighting the diamonds
Held high by the beast
The commoners thought him
A marquis at least.
They gave him some cream
And fish by the batch
And brought him their very best
Armchairs to scratch.
The state of emergency
Stopped then and there!
The Queen stepped in swiftly
To stop the affair.
'Bad kitty!' she yelled
With extraordinary force,
'I'll punish you swiftly
And show no remorse.'
'I'll bundle you into
A suitable parcel
Than boot you three times
Over old Windsor Castle.'
(Her Majesty thought it
Would serve at the time
As a warning to cats
Against turning to crime.)
It might seem a punishment
Vicious and cruel,
But Binkie had stolen
The Queen's favourite jewel.
A truly remarkable
Brooch made of rubies
Her grandma once wore
Twixt her big royal boobies.
Meanwhile, Sid's cat Ginger
Took barely a sniff
It burst into ballet
Then fainted, quite stiff.
Afraid that he'd made
A most dreadful mistake
Sid poked at wee Ginger,
The cat danced Swan Lake!
It wouldn't stop dancing
So Sid put on tights
And joined it in many
Balletic delights.
Though Sid was exhausted
The cat kicked its feet
And after Swan Lake
Came The Nutcracker Suite.
It gate-crashed a
Royal variety show
And leapt on the Queen
Who was in the front row!
With Ginger arrested
For such a display
Young Sid hid his catnip plant
Far, far away.
But not far enough!
For a light summer breeze
Blew atoms of catnip
To Sid's place with ease.
His three cats remaining
Went totally mental
Performing kung fu
Where they once had been gentle.
The little cat ninjas
Went roaming all night
In search of the catnip,
The cause of their plight.
They stopped a policeman
A helpful young sport
They asked the location
Of that which they sought.
But cats don't speak English,
They just don't know how
And said to the officer
'Meow meow meow meow?'
On getting no answer,
The cats became jumpy
They clawed at his pants
To reveal bare legs lumpy
'Me-owww?' they demanded.
And threatened,'Me-owww!'
'I fear I don't follow,'
He said with a bow.
And that's when they got him!
A kung-fu attack
Till half of his coat
Was removed from his back.
With most of his uniform
Slit up a treat
The officer thought it
Was best to retreat.
They found it at last
In the Queen's Gardens, Kew
(Where Sid had concealed it,
Not quite out of view.)
The pussycats shivered
And quivered with joy
Then all of Kew Gardens
Began to destroy.
The greenhouse was gone
In a minute or less
The indoor cactarium
Squashed to a mess
As cat after cat
With its paws flailing fast
Did kung fu gymnastics
How long would it last?
'Three more cats to punish,'
The Queen said, 'Oh dear!
We're having a pussycat
Crime wave, I fear.
Of course, Sid felt bad
When he learned of his error -
His cats would be punished
For causing such terror.
He ran to the Palace
As fast as he could:
'Your majesty, pardon these cats,
If you would!'
'They've buggered my garden!'
The Queen said, 'No way!
I'll kick off your bum
If you don't go away.'
Sid's five little kitties
Were locked in a cell
The ninjas, the thief
And the dancer as well.
They looked at their master
With big sorry eyes
And hoped that the Queen
Would relent at Sid's cries.
He bowed and he scraped
'This crime's due to me
I've grown some powerful
Catnip you see.'
The Queen smelt the herbs
And she turned up her nose.
'You're certain your cats
Were effected by those?'
'I think you are lying,
So please prove to me
How potent a herb
From a garden can be.
Well, Sid had predicted
The Queen's disbelief
And had on his person
A cannabis leaf.
Now, marijuana
As some of you know
Is something quite naughty
That criminals grow.
But Sid was no criminal,
Certainly not!
The stuff that he had
Was medicinal pot.
A doctor had told him
The law was quite plain
The drug was allowed
If prescribed to stop pain.
And Sid had arthritis,
That hurt him, it's true
So the doc sold the drug
And a little pipe too.
'This herb's from a garden,'
Said Sid, 'And I wager
The tiniest scent
Will affect your behaviour'
'Oh, give me that nonsense!'
The Queen gave a swipe.
Obligingly, Sid put some
Pot in the pipe.
The Queen took a puff
And she fell off her chair
Then pulled down some lovely bright
Curtains to wear.
'One feels rather groovy'
Her Majesty said
And balanced a big chandelier
On her head
She strutted around
As the Prince wandered in.
'Oh dear!' he said, 'Somebody's
Been at the gin.'
She cried, 'Not a drop!
Beware of such treasons!'
I've just smoked some pot
For medicinal reasons.'
The Queen's self-defence
Sounded perfectly smart
Until with her teeth
She tore pillows apart.
'Now bring me some jam!'
Came her booming request
A handmaiden brought her
The type she liked best.
The Queen stuck her finger
Straight into the jam
'I’m Queen of the whole bloody world,
Yes I am.'
She swallowed the jam
In a minute or two.
'Oh dear!' said the Prince
What a strange thing to do.'
But what followed after
Was stranger by far
She drove round the room
In a little golf car.
The cats sat there watching,
Their eyes open wide
Had Queenie gone mental?
They couldn't decide
The Queen drove around,
With jam on her face
She crashed into sculptures
And trashed the whole place.
At last she calmed down
As the drug wore away,
'I think,' said the queen,
'We have proved on this day.
'There are certain herbs
That can alter your mood
From sweet to insane
From respectful to rude.
'These cats aren't to blame
For the things that they did
'The catnip's what did it.
Your fault, Master Sid!'
'Your Majesty,' Sid was
Contrite as could be
'I did it for science
Not tomfoolery.'
'Relax!' said the Queen,
'Stay calm, if you will.
And added for clarity,
'Chill, baby chill.'
'I will not behead you
Or hang you from bridges
Those punishments frankly
Are far too religious.
But I shall forgive you
So nobody grieves
Just give me some more of
Those cannabis leaves.
The deal was done
And the kitties set free
To live blameless lives
With Sid Bratz, O.B.E.
The point of this verse
Is to teach and instruct
And not to tell tales
About wicked conduct
So let me conclude
With a human dimension
That one can brew tea
Made from catnip suspension.
It won't make you silly
Or dance all about
Or naughty rude limericks
Lustily shout.
Your health may be bettered
Consuming a brew
Of catnip, by order
Of Queen You-Know-Who.
And if you'll allow me
A crudeness, while parting
The potion can also
Prevent you from farting.
